When the Saints Come Marching In

Well, I haven't posted in a while. That's because the guys from The Center for Reclaiming the Gym had taken over. It happens every so often. Why is it that the guys who don't pay any dues are the ones who like telling everyone else what to do?

Okay, so they came barreling in like the minions of Satan, even though everyone knows they're funded by James Dobson's Coral Ridge ministry. They threw our trainers out and put in their own regimen. Our regular patrons half expected this, so most of them went on vacation.

This, of course, meant that for the month of August, the gym became a Christians Only place of exercise.

And that's when the war began.

It happened when one of our last remaining patrons was exposed for belonging to Opus Dei. The Center for Reclaiming the Gym decided that the self-flagellation characteristic of the group had all the earmarks of a communist plot. They strung the guy up to the Nautilus machine, not understanding that this machine belonged exclusively to members of the Southern Baptist Conference. There were immediate reprisals. The sound of artillery firing across the Olympic sized pool. A heroic stand by a group of masons in the weight room. The unintentional grenade on the tennis courts. Prisoners being marched along the treadmills.

It was a mess. Finally, Dick Cheney had to send in members of the BlackWater Security Corporation to quell the violence. Former Delta Force members, the BlackWater guys made short work of the Center for Reclaiming the Gym, forcing them to withdraw to the distant Center for Public Policy gym. And all Blackwater wanted in return was the diamond mine.

What diamond mine, you might say, but that's another story.

But for now, except for the sound of the Halliburton backhoes and jackhammers, there's peace once again here in the gym.