Last night, my boyfriend, J-Block, took me to see this gross Korean movie called Oldboy. It's about this loser rich guy who imprisons his loser schoolmate in solitary confinement for fifteen years. I'm around those kinds of people all day long in the Tri-Lateral Commission gym, J-Block, rich guys who have nothing better to do with their time and money than make everybody miserable. Why would you think I'd enjoy watching this movie?

It's like this, J-Block, they voted themselves a huge tax cut, then they voted themselves a war.

The Renditioning in the Weight Room

Mr. Cheney passed out a mysterious directive regarding the weight room this morning. It said I needed to do a full body search of anyone whom I might deem "having a proclivity to sneak pictures out of the bunker".

I've never done a full body search in my life, and neither was I about to start. Nobody gets into the Bunker without being fully compromised by either banking irregularites or sexual peccadilloes which have been thoroughly investigated then catalogued by our excellent research department. In short, they've all had a the type of full body search which keeps on searching, so to speak.

The fact of the matter is that we've had some top level Al Quaeda operatives renditioned to the weight room here in the bunker. All Mr. Cheney needs is those dogged Amnesty International guys come up with some pictures of what goes on in the weight room to blow the lid off of not only the Tri-Lateral Commission gym, but of the entire bunker. Since the neither the bunker nor the gym are supposed to exist at all, this would be expecially bad.

But he really needn't worried. We here in the bunker have grown quite fond of the guys sitting in the cages in the weight room. We pet their little heads and we scratch behind their ears and sometimes we even take them out for walks before they get a good stretching on the Nautilus machine provided by the Department of Homeland Security.

Also, I might add, all the Korans in the bunker are guaranteed not flushable.

Yesterday, Chuck Colson came to the gym fit to be tied. For one thing, he was late for his "Sweating for Christ" Aerobic Class due to an unusually full day of interviews. Everyone in the media wanted to hear his views on Deep Throat, aka Mark Felt, and how vile Felt was to expose the entire criminal activity of the Nixon White House. Colson was scheduled up to the gills and couldn't quite get here on time. For another, he'd left his gym clothes at home, which meant he had to lead the class in an Armani Suit. He hasn't done too shabby for himself post Watergate, prison term not withstanding.

Colson's class consists of Senators Brownback, Santorum and Sessions, former Christian Coalition leader Ralph Reed, James Kennedy of Coral Ridge, Congressmen Tom Delay and Bill Thomas, President of Free Congress Association Paul Weyrich and Karl Rove. No one really seemed much in the mood for sweating, and it became sort of a bull session on the topic of how each member of the group would deal with anyone who might expose THEIR criminal activity, of which, of course, they were only speaking theoretically.

When I think of it, the class had the same bluster that Ann Coulter's "Step Aeobics for Patriots" in which a portion of the class is dedicated to "Crush the Liberals Stomache Crunches". She can be so creative. Other names for her exercises are "Punch the Raghead Thrusts" and "Stomp the Left Wing Treason Lobby Faces." You can imagine how popular her class is.

Afterwards, Colson seemed in better spirits. It just goes to show you that working out in the Tri-Lateral Commission gym is not only good for the body, but for the soul.